1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:02,790 --> 00:00:04,417 Ladies and gentleman, 3 00:00:04,441 --> 00:00:07,213 the man you've been waiting for. 4 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 5 00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:13,022 All set? 6 00:00:13,046 --> 00:00:14,480 Ladies and gentleman, 7 00:00:15,754 --> 00:00:17,888 the man you've been waiting for. 8 00:00:17,912 --> 00:00:19,603 Comedy Central presents, 9 00:00:19,627 --> 00:00:23,286 "Kevin James: Sweat the Small Stuff." 10 00:00:23,310 --> 00:00:25,463 Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the star 11 00:00:25,487 --> 00:00:29,046 of the hit television series, "The King of Queens,". 12 00:00:29,070 --> 00:00:30,420 New York's own Kevin James. 13 00:00:45,345 --> 00:00:47,512 Oh, thank you, New York! 14 00:00:51,648 --> 00:00:52,648 Wow. 15 00:00:53,732 --> 00:00:56,106 Oh, what's going on, people? 16 00:00:56,130 --> 00:01:00,276 All right, great to be back here in New York, man. 17 00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:01,566 Miss it. It's my hometown. 18 00:01:01,590 --> 00:01:03,276 Love it here. Love it. 19 00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:04,926 Tell you what the best thing about it is the pizza. 20 00:01:04,950 --> 00:01:08,163 Gotta be the best in the world here in New York, yeah. 21 00:01:09,191 --> 00:01:11,586 Yeah. 22 00:01:11,610 --> 00:01:12,457 I had it tonight. 23 00:01:12,481 --> 00:01:13,866 I had it tonight. You know what sucked, though? 24 00:01:13,890 --> 00:01:15,690 I had to share it with other people. 25 00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:17,677 Way too much pressure 26 00:01:17,701 --> 00:01:19,716 when you're all eating from the same pie, 27 00:01:19,740 --> 00:01:22,566 especially when the slices start getting lower and lower. 28 00:01:22,590 --> 00:01:25,390 You gotta look around the room, do that pizza math or... 29 00:01:29,130 --> 00:01:32,346 All right, he already had two slices right there. 30 00:01:32,370 --> 00:01:35,376 He should be out at this point right now. 31 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,526 What the hell is she doing? What is this? 32 00:01:38,550 --> 00:01:40,713 Finish the crust! That doesn't count! 33 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,106 I hate when it comes down to two slices. 34 00:01:44,130 --> 00:01:47,676 One slice is like, huge. 35 00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:51,066 And there's like a little mutant sliver slice next to it. 36 00:01:51,090 --> 00:01:51,937 Never really made it. 37 00:01:51,961 --> 00:01:53,856 The guy went a little too quick with the wheel. 38 00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:57,434 Went, "Hey, there's your pizza! All right!" 39 00:02:01,290 --> 00:02:02,826 I never get the big slice either. 40 00:02:02,850 --> 00:02:04,957 Someone's always like, "Hey, I'll take the big one." 41 00:02:04,981 --> 00:02:07,081 Okay, I'll get it for you, you... 42 00:02:09,540 --> 00:02:11,106 I make it up in cheese, though. 43 00:02:11,130 --> 00:02:13,730 Oh, the cheese fell off! I don't know what happened. 44 00:02:15,278 --> 00:02:16,566 Sorry about that. 45 00:02:16,590 --> 00:02:19,986 I was separating it from the other pieces and she slid off. 46 00:02:20,010 --> 00:02:21,576 I don't know how. 47 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:25,536 Sorry, I don't even know... 48 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,983 Here and enjoy your skin flap. That's for you. 49 00:02:30,212 --> 00:02:32,436 That piece that looks like my ass if it caught fire 50 00:02:32,460 --> 00:02:35,613 and someone put it out with an old T-shirt is yours. 51 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,426 I don't like surprises in my pizza. 52 00:02:39,450 --> 00:02:41,286 I hate that. They annoy me. 53 00:02:41,310 --> 00:02:43,656 I get my pizza home, I open the box. 54 00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:46,330 There's a little plastic white ottoman in the middle. 55 00:02:51,210 --> 00:02:53,423 What, am I gonna put my feet up while I eat? What? 56 00:02:54,510 --> 00:02:57,666 Slow down with the furniture. That's what I say. 57 00:02:57,690 --> 00:02:59,376 Little things like that annoy me. 58 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:00,696 Like, I love the delis here in New York. 59 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,226 Great delis here in the city, too. 60 00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:04,146 Unbelievable delis. Yeah. 61 00:03:04,170 --> 00:03:05,820 Yeah, you can applaud for a deli. 62 00:03:06,990 --> 00:03:08,106 Yeah, great. But you know what stinks? 63 00:03:08,130 --> 00:03:09,156 Every time I'm always online, 64 00:03:09,180 --> 00:03:10,776 I'm always stuck behind the construction guy 65 00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,513 ordering for like the, whole site. 66 00:03:13,537 --> 00:03:14,437 "Yeah, how you doing? 67 00:03:14,461 --> 00:03:18,486 Give me 48 coffees, 98 bagels, three bags of Funyuns, 68 00:03:18,510 --> 00:03:21,096 a box of Ring Dings, 96 Slim Jims." 69 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:22,713 Ah! 70 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:27,366 Ah! 71 00:03:27,390 --> 00:03:29,496 Let's go, let's go! 72 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:30,726 How big are muffins gonna get 73 00:03:30,750 --> 00:03:33,033 before we all join hands across America? 74 00:03:34,030 --> 00:03:34,839 They're huge. 75 00:03:34,863 --> 00:03:35,673 Have you walked in? 76 00:03:35,697 --> 00:03:37,953 "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and oh my God!" 77 00:03:40,740 --> 00:03:43,683 Yeah, I'll have the bean bag chair with raisins. 78 00:03:44,670 --> 00:03:45,647 Oh, you got it? 79 00:03:45,671 --> 00:03:48,276 Oh, I got it. I got it. 80 00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,286 Whoo, yeah! 81 00:03:50,310 --> 00:03:53,103 All right, can't believe this is fat-free! 82 00:03:54,844 --> 00:03:58,427 Whoo! 83 00:04:00,117 --> 00:04:03,936 All right, hey, you want to help me to the trunk of my car? 84 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,886 No, leave the saran wrap on it. 85 00:04:05,910 --> 00:04:08,007 "I'll cover my pool. This is good." 86 00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:12,423 See, that's the thing with muffins. 87 00:04:13,530 --> 00:04:15,903 Muffins used to be like the size of a cupcake. 88 00:04:16,740 --> 00:04:17,557 No more, right? 89 00:04:17,581 --> 00:04:21,396 Now it's either the very big muffin or the mini muffin. 90 00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:22,230 What is with... 91 00:04:22,254 --> 00:04:24,396 Yeah, they fill me right up, right? 92 00:04:24,420 --> 00:04:25,536 It's like taking aspirin. 93 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:27,660 All right, I got a mini muffin. All right. 94 00:04:32,917 --> 00:04:34,653 These are good. These are good. 95 00:04:36,939 --> 00:04:38,676 Oh, no, I like 'em. They're good, they're good. 96 00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:40,100 They're really good, yeah. 97 00:04:41,149 --> 00:04:42,726 Hey, I think I got a blueberry in that one. 98 00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:45,786 I got a blueberry. 99 00:04:45,810 --> 00:04:47,646 Little things like that will annoy me. 100 00:04:47,670 --> 00:04:50,226 They just tick me off, you know? 101 00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:51,846 Like this bothered me, and it probably shouldn't have, 102 00:04:51,870 --> 00:04:53,226 but I was at a Met game. 103 00:04:53,250 --> 00:04:55,085 I'm a Met fan, and I was watching. 104 00:04:55,109 --> 00:04:55,919 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 105 00:04:55,943 --> 00:04:58,513 I've heard of 'em. Yeah. 106 00:04:58,537 --> 00:04:59,883 Whatever, whatever. 107 00:05:00,870 --> 00:05:01,807 I'm at the game. It's not the point. 108 00:05:01,831 --> 00:05:04,536 I'm at the game, and they sit me next to a guy, 109 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,093 and he's eating an apple. 110 00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:10,806 First of all, does that not piss you off right there? 111 00:05:10,830 --> 00:05:13,206 Guy eating an apple in Shea Stadium. 112 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:16,056 You shouldn't be allowed fruit in a ballpark, first of all. 113 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,126 It's like beer, hot dogs, you know, peanuts, 114 00:05:18,150 --> 00:05:19,656 and maybe the little ice cream in a helmet. 115 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:20,976 That's about it. 116 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,477 This guy's eating fruit, you know? 117 00:05:22,501 --> 00:05:23,317 And you know what the problem was, 118 00:05:23,341 --> 00:05:25,656 he was eating it way too long. He was like way too into it. 119 00:05:25,680 --> 00:05:28,813 He's like. 120 00:05:31,530 --> 00:05:33,463 He's like flipping it over, trying to find the good part. 121 00:05:33,487 --> 00:05:35,796 "Oh, look at that, I got a little..." 122 00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:38,643 It's like, "Dude, they're 39 cents a bag. Let it go!" 123 00:05:39,660 --> 00:05:41,706 Grab another one. It's fruit, Frederick. 124 00:05:41,730 --> 00:05:44,376 "Jeez!" 125 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:45,247 This is embarrassing. 126 00:05:45,271 --> 00:05:47,346 I was in the hotel tonight, and I was coming down here. 127 00:05:47,370 --> 00:05:49,146 And I got on the elevator, 128 00:05:49,170 --> 00:05:51,336 and there were other people on the elevator. 129 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:52,836 But then the elevator stopped at my floor, 130 00:05:52,860 --> 00:05:55,260 so I did that move to the front of the elevator. 131 00:05:58,470 --> 00:06:00,570 But then the doors didn't open right away. 132 00:06:09,030 --> 00:06:12,377 Come on, open up, open up. This looks really bad. 133 00:06:12,401 --> 00:06:13,211 I look really bad. 134 00:06:13,235 --> 00:06:14,406 You're like, you're just, "Oh God." 135 00:06:14,430 --> 00:06:15,816 "Oh please, open up." You don't know what to do. 136 00:06:15,840 --> 00:06:16,687 You're like, "I gotta step back. 137 00:06:16,711 --> 00:06:19,281 I've made a commitment already. Step back now. 138 00:06:19,305 --> 00:06:20,115 You look foolish." 139 00:06:20,139 --> 00:06:22,116 I always get embarrassed on elevators. 140 00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:25,146 First of all, I always expect it to go right to my floor. 141 00:06:25,170 --> 00:06:26,766 I don't know why. I'm always expecting the lobby. 142 00:06:26,790 --> 00:06:27,966 And I always get out too quick. 143 00:06:27,990 --> 00:06:31,353 Hey! 144 00:06:32,270 --> 00:06:33,114 But now I'm too embarrassed to go back. 145 00:06:33,138 --> 00:06:34,566 You're like, "No, this is what I wanted." 146 00:06:34,590 --> 00:06:36,426 I wanted to be here. This is... 147 00:06:36,450 --> 00:06:40,138 Yeah, this is where I wanted to be. I wanted to be here. 148 00:06:40,162 --> 00:06:42,726 I wanted to be here. No, I wanna be here. 149 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:45,006 "This is where I wanna be. Leave me alone, people!" 150 00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:45,840 And the people on know you screwed up. 151 00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:48,306 They're like, "Sure you don't wanna get back on?" 152 00:06:48,330 --> 00:06:49,356 No, I want the basement. 153 00:06:49,380 --> 00:06:51,696 I need a towel bin. I need a towel bin. 154 00:06:51,720 --> 00:06:52,806 And I'm gonna check the pipes. 155 00:06:52,830 --> 00:06:53,973 Get away! Go, go! 156 00:07:02,754 --> 00:07:04,329 Ladies and gentlemen, 157 00:07:04,353 --> 00:07:07,020 the man you've been waiting for. 158 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,326 This annoyed me. 159 00:07:10,350 --> 00:07:12,516 You ever have someone start talking to you mid-sentence? 160 00:07:12,540 --> 00:07:14,706 Someone you don't even know? 161 00:07:14,730 --> 00:07:17,230 I'm on line at the bank, the guy next to me, "Boy! 162 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:23,157 Thursday was cloudy!" 163 00:07:24,870 --> 00:07:28,227 Who the hell are you? 164 00:07:28,251 --> 00:07:29,060 Don't you hate that 165 00:07:29,084 --> 00:07:29,893 when you know someone's gonna talk to you? 166 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:30,917 I don't like that. 167 00:07:31,710 --> 00:07:34,630 You can tell when someone's gonna talk to you, too. 168 00:07:34,654 --> 00:07:36,546 If they walk in the room, they don't have to say a word. 169 00:07:36,570 --> 00:07:39,546 You're like, "No. 170 00:07:39,570 --> 00:07:40,776 This guy's definitely gonna talk to me. 171 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,266 I can tell he's gonna come to me any second. He's a chatter. 172 00:07:43,290 --> 00:07:45,366 I can tell these chatters." 173 00:07:45,390 --> 00:07:47,736 You can tell the chatter people too. 174 00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:49,116 They're very happy people. 175 00:07:49,140 --> 00:07:50,466 They're excited to be wherever they are. 176 00:07:50,490 --> 00:07:52,896 They usually know everybody's name. 177 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,596 Also, usually jingling change like, "Oh yeah, Bobby!" 178 00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:58,115 Tommy! How's it going there, Frankie? 179 00:07:58,139 --> 00:08:00,246 Hey, Lorin, how you doing there, man? What's going on, man? 180 00:08:00,270 --> 00:08:02,376 It's good to see you! That's some game the other day, huh? 181 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,836 "The weather's..." 182 00:08:04,860 --> 00:08:06,006 Oh, crap. He's coming to me. 183 00:08:06,030 --> 00:08:08,013 He is coming to me any second. 184 00:08:09,390 --> 00:08:12,756 I try to look busy, you know? But I'm on line at the bank. 185 00:08:12,780 --> 00:08:13,657 I don't know how you look busy 186 00:08:13,681 --> 00:08:15,159 on line at the bank, you know? 187 00:08:15,183 --> 00:08:16,236 It's like, "Maybe if I look 188 00:08:16,260 --> 00:08:17,436 like I have to go to the bathroom, 189 00:08:17,460 --> 00:08:19,010 he won't talk to me, you know?" 190 00:08:34,821 --> 00:08:35,631 All right, it's working, 191 00:08:35,655 --> 00:08:38,779 but now I have to go to the bathroom. 192 00:08:38,803 --> 00:08:41,013 I have a whole new set of problems now. 193 00:08:42,809 --> 00:08:46,116 Oh, I don't enjoy the bank. I hate going to the bank. 194 00:08:46,140 --> 00:08:48,276 I'm always in a rush when I go to the bank. 195 00:08:48,300 --> 00:08:49,416 I'm never prepared either. 196 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,936 I never have one of those checking deposit slips on me. 197 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,526 I have to fill it out there. 198 00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:54,359 You start filling it out. 199 00:08:54,383 --> 00:08:55,357 You see someone else walk in the bank, 200 00:08:55,381 --> 00:08:57,790 you have that little anxiety attack? You know like... 201 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:02,410 Oh, no, no, no, no. 202 00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:05,010 No, nope. No, drop the pen. 203 00:09:05,034 --> 00:09:07,179 No, no. Drop it, no. 204 00:09:07,203 --> 00:09:09,003 Drop the pen, lady! 205 00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:11,676 No, I'm not gonna be last in line 206 00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:14,963 'cause I'm having a problem spelling 13, okay? 207 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,436 I hate being the only one in the bank, too. That sucks. 208 00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,410 You still gotta walk through the ropes. 209 00:09:23,550 --> 00:09:26,223 How smart do you feel then, right? Hey! 210 00:09:28,590 --> 00:09:31,776 Yeah, hi. 211 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:34,446 Go around? Okay, all right. 212 00:09:34,470 --> 00:09:36,966 I'm gonna make it deposit when I get to the front area. 213 00:09:36,990 --> 00:09:38,646 That's what I'm... 214 00:09:38,670 --> 00:09:41,093 I'll talk to you in a minute. I'll talk to you in a minute. 215 00:09:42,060 --> 00:09:44,466 This is, all right, yeah. 216 00:09:44,490 --> 00:09:46,236 They should have a guy handing out cups of water. 217 00:09:46,260 --> 00:09:47,843 All right, thank you. All right, good. 218 00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,216 There better be a hunk of cheese at the end of this maze. 219 00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:54,930 I'll tell you that much. 220 00:09:57,090 --> 00:09:58,326 I didn't realize this either, 221 00:09:58,350 --> 00:10:01,930 but there's a line on the floor at the end of the ropes 222 00:10:02,790 --> 00:10:05,616 that you're not allowed to cross 223 00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,463 unless the bank teller nods you over. 224 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,536 If you've ever walked right up to 'em, 225 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:11,370 they freak out, right? 226 00:10:11,394 --> 00:10:14,013 Hey, how you doing? They go, "Sir, get back!" 227 00:10:14,970 --> 00:10:16,656 Sir, get back! You can't come up here yet! 228 00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,276 I am not ready, sir! We're busy! 229 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:21,207 "We will nod you over when we are ready to go!" 230 00:10:26,340 --> 00:10:28,439 It's even worse at the airport. When you go to the airport, 231 00:10:28,463 --> 00:10:29,616 there's like a million ticket agents 232 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:31,896 lined up for like a quarter mile long. 233 00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,606 I don't like being next on line there. 234 00:10:33,630 --> 00:10:34,896 There's way too much pressure there. 235 00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:36,516 Everybody's pumped up, they're all going on vacation, 236 00:10:36,540 --> 00:10:38,166 they're all looking at you, "Hey man, you're next." 237 00:10:38,190 --> 00:10:39,276 Yeah, I know I'm next. Shut the hell up. 238 00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:42,753 I know you're all worried. 239 00:10:45,155 --> 00:10:46,596 Got my luggage, you're all ready. 240 00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:47,796 I know where it's going, right? 241 00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:49,813 And the ticket agent people are very impatient, right? 242 00:10:49,837 --> 00:10:51,276 "Next. I'll take the next person, sir. 243 00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:52,191 You're next. Right over here. 244 00:10:52,215 --> 00:10:54,132 Sir, I will take you right over here, sir." 245 00:10:54,156 --> 00:10:55,753 Hm? Huh? 246 00:10:55,777 --> 00:10:56,647 "Sir, right over here!" 247 00:10:56,671 --> 00:10:57,726 Okay, I don't freaking see you. 248 00:10:57,750 --> 00:11:00,006 I don't know where you are. I don't know where you are. 249 00:11:00,030 --> 00:11:01,686 Everybody's pointing, "It's over there!" 250 00:11:01,710 --> 00:11:03,006 "Go there!" I don't even know. 251 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:04,273 Where do I go? Which? 252 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,466 "Over the other side, you..." 253 00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,986 Sorry, I didn't know! I don't know! 254 00:11:08,010 --> 00:11:09,586 I don't know where to go! 255 00:11:09,610 --> 00:11:11,256 "Sir, I'm looking right at you." 256 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:15,842 Okay, that's not helping me! 257 00:11:26,490 --> 00:11:27,963 Marco! 258 00:11:31,770 --> 00:11:33,576 Then you're so pissed off by the time you get up there, 259 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,653 you don't wanna go on vacation anymore. 260 00:11:35,677 --> 00:11:37,116 "Sir, did you pack your own bags?" 261 00:11:37,140 --> 00:11:40,090 No, I had an Iranian guy named Phil plant a bomb in my ass. 262 00:11:48,973 --> 00:11:50,316 I love the questions at the airport 263 00:11:50,340 --> 00:11:52,693 'cause they make you feel real intelligent. 264 00:11:52,717 --> 00:11:55,017 "Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?" 265 00:12:09,959 --> 00:12:13,356 No. 266 00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:16,130 I tied a sock around my eyes and I packed with my feet. 267 00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:22,063 I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder. That's probably it. 268 00:12:24,463 --> 00:12:27,336 I like when the ticket agent tells you their job too. 269 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:30,620 They give you like a play-by-play of what they're doing. 270 00:12:30,644 --> 00:12:31,716 All right, it's like you care. 271 00:12:31,740 --> 00:12:34,476 You don't know what they're talking about. 272 00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:36,246 I was like, late for a flight and I gave her my ticket. 273 00:12:36,270 --> 00:12:37,386 I was like, "Here, can you take care of this, please?" 274 00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:40,633 She's like, 275 00:12:40,657 --> 00:12:44,993 "Let me see what I can do." 276 00:12:52,950 --> 00:12:57,420 Okay, your ticket is a code fare basis red. 277 00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:01,176 Now what I can try to do it, 278 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,306 I can try to punch it in as a green. 279 00:13:03,330 --> 00:13:04,806 Let me see if this works here. 280 00:13:04,830 --> 00:13:08,583 Backspace, backspace, semicolon, capital P. 281 00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:12,743 No, see, it's not accepting it, okay? 282 00:13:12,767 --> 00:13:17,493 'Cause your ticket is a T-15011-6 as it stands right now. 283 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,076 Now what we can try to make it is a T-615411, 284 00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:23,910 "but we will receive..." 285 00:13:23,934 --> 00:13:26,046 Whatever! 286 00:13:26,070 --> 00:13:29,463 I gotta get to the Big Apple, sister! Move it along! 287 00:13:30,330 --> 00:13:32,376 Susie with the wings and the hair in a bun 288 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,226 and I I'm in a vest! 289 00:13:35,250 --> 00:13:39,843 Punch it in and shut off! 290 00:13:41,010 --> 00:13:43,086 I hate when you're on line with like, a lot of luggage. 291 00:13:43,110 --> 00:13:45,606 That stinks. And then the line only moves like four feet. 292 00:13:45,630 --> 00:13:47,304 Right? You're like... 293 00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:48,798 I'm sorry. Thank you, thank you. 294 00:13:48,822 --> 00:13:50,377 Thank you. 295 00:13:50,401 --> 00:13:51,211 Thanks, man. Thanks. 296 00:13:51,235 --> 00:13:52,814 No, I got it, I got it, I got it. Thank you, there. 297 00:13:52,838 --> 00:13:54,772 Thank you. Okay, we're good, okay. 298 00:13:54,796 --> 00:13:57,616 Yeah, yeah, okay. 299 00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:58,896 Whew, it's a lotta luggage 300 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:00,870 for a little amount of space, isn't it? 301 00:14:03,224 --> 00:14:04,510 Yeah, okay. Oh, we're moving again. 302 00:14:04,534 --> 00:14:06,014 We're going again, we're going again. 303 00:14:07,391 --> 00:14:08,938 Ladies and gentlemen, 304 00:14:08,962 --> 00:14:11,629 the man you've been waiting for. 305 00:14:19,227 --> 00:14:21,027 I'm sweating a little bit tonight. 306 00:14:21,990 --> 00:14:24,383 When you're big, you don't need a reason to sweat. 307 00:14:25,380 --> 00:14:26,257 You don't, right? 308 00:14:26,281 --> 00:14:29,046 My friends cannot grab ahold of this concept. 309 00:14:29,070 --> 00:14:30,893 They come up to me all the time, "Jeez! 310 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:34,720 The hell, what'd you do? You jumping rope in the attic?" 311 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:44,526 No, I peeled an orange 312 00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:45,427 about an hour ago. 313 00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:47,775 Why, what's up? 314 00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:51,632 What's up? 315 00:14:52,650 --> 00:14:55,806 I love air conditioning. I had it growing up. 316 00:14:55,830 --> 00:14:56,886 I had an air conditioner growing up, 317 00:14:56,910 --> 00:14:57,727 but I had one of those dads 318 00:14:57,751 --> 00:14:59,736 who wouldn't use it all the time. 319 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,326 Very selective. How about today, Dad? 320 00:15:01,350 --> 00:15:04,512 Please? 321 00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:07,140 "Mm, no, no." 322 00:15:08,460 --> 00:15:10,326 They break out that big oscillating fan 323 00:15:10,350 --> 00:15:12,819 for the whole family. What a horrible invention that is. 324 00:15:12,843 --> 00:15:15,456 It's like waiting for a bus, right? 325 00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:18,289 Oh man, when is that cold air gonna get here? 326 00:15:18,313 --> 00:15:21,723 Ah! 327 00:15:27,441 --> 00:15:28,926 Boy, that was refreshing, right? That felt good. 328 00:15:28,950 --> 00:15:31,056 They're like, "Ah! 329 00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:35,037 I wasn't ready!" 330 00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:38,556 This annoyed me. I was on the phone with somebody today 331 00:15:38,580 --> 00:15:40,356 trying to get a phone number from that person 332 00:15:40,380 --> 00:15:43,416 and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm 333 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,996 and that pissed me off. 334 00:15:46,020 --> 00:15:47,226 Talking about phone number rhythm, 335 00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:49,056 especially if there's like an area code involved 336 00:15:49,080 --> 00:15:54,080 like 212, bum-bum-ba, bum-ba-bum-ba. 337 00:15:58,140 --> 00:16:01,279 That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with. 338 00:16:01,303 --> 00:16:02,496 This guy had no clue. 339 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,936 I was like, "Okay, Hank, give me the number." 340 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:05,610 He's like, "All right, it's 2129", 341 00:16:12,750 --> 00:16:16,407 "15, 8, 11, 6, 4, 2, 5, 5, 7, 2." 342 00:16:22,410 --> 00:16:23,556 Did you throw in your zip code? 343 00:16:23,580 --> 00:16:27,546 'Cause I got a lotta extra numbers over here. I have extra. 344 00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:30,516 I can almost start a new number. What do you got? 345 00:16:30,540 --> 00:16:34,293 Start again from the top. 346 00:16:36,787 --> 00:16:38,616 They really screw you up on the last four numbers. 347 00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:39,846 That's where they get you, right? 348 00:16:39,870 --> 00:16:42,513 555, 6. 349 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:47,616 Team 41. 350 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:52,533 Dude, I already wrote the six! 351 00:16:53,859 --> 00:16:55,326 I made the dash too close. 352 00:16:55,350 --> 00:16:59,373 I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you! 353 00:17:05,642 --> 00:17:06,452 You know what else annoys me, 354 00:17:06,476 --> 00:17:09,783 people leaving slow-ass, boring messages on my machine. 355 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:12,906 Unbelievable! Yeah, you come home late at night. 356 00:17:12,930 --> 00:17:13,867 You gotta go to the bathroom. 357 00:17:13,891 --> 00:17:15,576 You're like, "Oh, look at this. I got a message." 358 00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,806 Oh, this could be important. I better check it out now. 359 00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:23,830 Boop! "Hey..." 360 00:17:26,220 --> 00:17:30,430 Kevin, how's it going, man? 361 00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:37,263 It's Tim Duffy from work. What's going on, man? 362 00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:45,617 Anyways, give me a call back if you get a chance. 363 00:17:46,590 --> 00:17:48,456 I will be, uh... 364 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,273 Well, you know what, if you call at 9:15, 365 00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:54,096 I should be back. 366 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:56,886 Actually, anything after 9:18, I'll be home. 367 00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:58,643 Why didn't you answer? 368 00:17:58,667 --> 00:18:00,876 Give me a call. 369 00:18:00,900 --> 00:18:02,203 "I'm at 63175." 370 00:18:06,870 --> 00:18:07,680 This is great. 371 00:18:07,704 --> 00:18:10,120 Now I gotta play the whole Tim Duffy message again 372 00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:14,976 from the top to try to get the number at 100 miles an hour. 373 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,446 That's fun when you're hunched over your machine 374 00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:17,776 with like an index card and a little pen. 375 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:20,076 "65." 376 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:21,037 I got nothing on that pass. 377 00:18:21,061 --> 00:18:23,060 I got absolutely nothing. I got nothing. 378 00:18:25,350 --> 00:18:27,786 I got a six, four blanks, a four and then I'm out. 379 00:18:27,810 --> 00:18:29,615 I'm out again. I don't know what to do. 380 00:18:31,281 --> 00:18:34,296 I got a freaking G! I got a G. 381 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:38,403 Timmy gave me a G! 382 00:18:39,780 --> 00:18:41,703 So many things like that annoy me. 383 00:18:42,540 --> 00:18:43,776 This annoyed me too 'cause little things 384 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:45,786 will make me happy as well. 385 00:18:45,810 --> 00:18:47,076 You know, like I was going through, 386 00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:48,096 I think it was like a Taco Bell. 387 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:51,186 It was late at night and I'm going through the drive-through 388 00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:55,326 and the guy was like, "Okay, 7.12. Pull around." 389 00:18:55,350 --> 00:18:57,633 And I got excited 'cause I had exact change. 390 00:18:58,710 --> 00:19:01,296 So I'm like, "That'll make me happy." 391 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:02,586 But then I went to hand it to him, 392 00:19:02,610 --> 00:19:04,949 and I dropped a dime between the seats. 393 00:19:04,973 --> 00:19:08,013 I was like, "Mother!" 394 00:19:08,037 --> 00:19:10,204 Now I gotta do this move for 20 minutes. 395 00:19:10,228 --> 00:19:12,186 Oh, my God, I'm in. 396 00:19:12,210 --> 00:19:14,586 Oh, come on, man. Oh, come on. 397 00:19:14,610 --> 00:19:17,803 Oh, I can see the freaking ridges. I can see 'em. 398 00:19:17,827 --> 00:19:19,086 "Sir, you're gonna have to pull up." 399 00:19:19,110 --> 00:19:22,833 I'm gonna have to tell you to shut up, Anthony. 400 00:19:34,263 --> 00:19:36,132 Ladies and gentlemen, 401 00:19:36,156 --> 00:19:38,823 the man you've been waiting for. 402 00:19:41,460 --> 00:19:42,966 That's good. 403 00:19:42,990 --> 00:19:45,246 This is all a sign. It's all a sign to me. 404 00:19:45,270 --> 00:19:47,916 I gotta get in shape, I gotta do that. 405 00:19:47,940 --> 00:19:49,146 I do, I either gotta get in shape 406 00:19:49,170 --> 00:19:52,053 or hope ponchos come back in style. 407 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,736 I don't like weight loss advice 408 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,519 'cause you get weight loss advice from like everybody. 409 00:19:59,543 --> 00:20:01,476 Everybody thinks they got the secret. 410 00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:02,623 Yeah, people coming up to me all the time, 411 00:20:02,647 --> 00:20:06,903 "You know what you gotta do, you gotta chew sugarless gum. 412 00:20:08,293 --> 00:20:09,613 That's your problem right there." 413 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,456 Yeah, 'cause my ass got fat from Bazooka. 414 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:16,116 That's... 415 00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:17,883 That's where I veered right there. 416 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:20,947 You ever get weight loss advice 417 00:20:20,971 --> 00:20:23,077 from someone bigger than you? 418 00:20:25,093 --> 00:20:26,506 "You know what you gotta do..." 419 00:20:26,530 --> 00:20:29,103 Yeah, not listen to your fatter ass, for starters. 420 00:20:30,990 --> 00:20:33,066 You know what it comes down to? 421 00:20:33,090 --> 00:20:35,376 My fitness goals are different than most people's. 422 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,116 That's it. That's what I've assessed. 423 00:20:37,140 --> 00:20:38,856 Seriously, that's it 'cause most people 424 00:20:38,880 --> 00:20:40,536 want to lose enough weight 425 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:42,066 so that they look good in a bathing suit 426 00:20:42,090 --> 00:20:44,496 or they want to lower their cholesterol. 427 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,836 I just want to lose enough so that my stomach doesn't jiggle 428 00:20:46,860 --> 00:20:50,136 when I brush my teeth. 429 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,913 That's it. Then it's just maintenance from there on out. 430 00:20:55,717 --> 00:20:57,546 Look, you notice I have an emotional attachment to food. 431 00:20:57,570 --> 00:21:00,516 I get excited when my food's like, coming at a restaurant. 432 00:21:00,540 --> 00:21:01,716 Do you get a little pumped up? 433 00:21:01,740 --> 00:21:02,707 I could be talking to someone 434 00:21:02,731 --> 00:21:04,206 and then you see it coming out of the corner of your eye. 435 00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:05,040 You're like... 436 00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:07,707 I have like a little party in my head. I'm like, "Yes!" 437 00:21:09,330 --> 00:21:10,147 First, you're not sure. 438 00:21:10,171 --> 00:21:12,216 You gotta make sure you recognize an item that you ordered. 439 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,403 Oh, yeah, the onion fritters. Okay. 440 00:21:15,641 --> 00:21:16,656 And you gotta act like you're in the conversation. 441 00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,183 Really, you lost your job? That's horrible. 442 00:21:18,207 --> 00:21:21,486 Oh, oh. 443 00:21:21,510 --> 00:21:22,320 Yes. 444 00:21:22,344 --> 00:21:24,186 Then when it finally does arrive, you just act surprised. 445 00:21:24,210 --> 00:21:26,060 Whoa, foods here. I didn't even know. 446 00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:27,847 That's great. All right. 447 00:21:27,871 --> 00:21:31,633 Well, I guess we should eat now. 448 00:21:32,700 --> 00:21:34,656 I just love fast food. I can't get enough of it. 449 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,476 You know like, I love McDonald's. 450 00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:38,826 But the problem is I'm in my 30s now. 451 00:21:38,850 --> 00:21:40,832 I can't eat it like I used to. 452 00:21:40,856 --> 00:21:42,366 You know, I was in high school, 453 00:21:42,390 --> 00:21:43,596 I could eat like three Big Macs, 454 00:21:43,620 --> 00:21:46,116 finish out the day like a hummingbird. 455 00:21:46,140 --> 00:21:47,316 I had one Big Mac the other day. 456 00:21:47,340 --> 00:21:48,849 I felt like a grizzly bear that got shot in the ass 457 00:21:48,873 --> 00:21:52,610 with like a sedative dart, you know? 458 00:22:08,263 --> 00:22:10,513 "Sir, you can't lie down. It's a McDonald's." 459 00:22:22,050 --> 00:22:24,066 Can't be in good shape when you wanna take a nap 460 00:22:24,090 --> 00:22:27,130 halfway through your Big Mac, right? 461 00:22:38,460 --> 00:22:40,063 So they tell me to keep active, that's it. 462 00:22:40,087 --> 00:22:41,886 "Keep active, go out, keep active, 463 00:22:41,910 --> 00:22:43,656 do what you gotta do, but keep moving." 464 00:22:43,680 --> 00:22:45,756 So I'm trying different stuff. 465 00:22:45,780 --> 00:22:46,926 Went down to Florida for a little bit, 466 00:22:46,950 --> 00:22:48,186 did some water skiing. 467 00:22:48,210 --> 00:22:49,020 Anybody try water skiing? 468 00:22:49,044 --> 00:22:50,226 I tried water skiing for the first time in my life. 469 00:22:50,250 --> 00:22:53,036 Anybody do it? 470 00:22:53,060 --> 00:22:54,156 You like it? 471 00:22:54,180 --> 00:22:54,990 Yeah, I didn't like it. 472 00:22:55,014 --> 00:22:57,600 A lot of work. It's like, not that much fun, actually. 473 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,336 I didn't know how much work was involved. 474 00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:01,566 You gotta put the big vest on, 475 00:23:01,590 --> 00:23:03,366 you gotta get in the water, put your skis on, 476 00:23:03,390 --> 00:23:05,616 put your gloves on, grab that handle, 477 00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,326 straighten out that rope, brace yourself. 478 00:23:07,350 --> 00:23:09,096 You're like, "Okay, I'm ready! Go!" 479 00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,466 Boom, I'm down. 480 00:23:11,490 --> 00:23:12,546 They gotta pull the boat around, 481 00:23:12,570 --> 00:23:14,570 they gotta locate my bathing suit, yeah. 482 00:23:20,310 --> 00:23:22,136 I got it! I got it! 483 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,096 I got it. 484 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:26,103 She was on the inside. I got her. 485 00:23:27,768 --> 00:23:29,937 I got her. Stop looking, I got it! 486 00:23:34,260 --> 00:23:35,227 I wasn't the brightest either 487 00:23:35,251 --> 00:23:37,536 'cause I was like the only guy going for the first time. 488 00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:39,726 Everybody else, they all knew what they were doing. 489 00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:40,567 That's kinda discouraging 490 00:23:40,591 --> 00:23:42,790 when you can actually hear them on the boat. 491 00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:49,503 This sucks. He's down again! 492 00:23:50,737 --> 00:23:52,353 I didn't invite him. You invited him. 493 00:23:54,014 --> 00:23:56,820 Then they turn around. They try to help you out. 494 00:23:56,844 --> 00:24:00,273 Try, look, try and stand up! 495 00:24:03,270 --> 00:24:05,766 Oh, is that the idea? 496 00:24:05,790 --> 00:24:09,216 I thought I was supposed to be dragged through the water 497 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:14,240 with my mouth open! 498 00:24:14,610 --> 00:24:19,153 Stand up? Oh, okay, yeah! 499 00:24:25,071 --> 00:24:26,654 Oh, thank you, God. 500 00:24:36,330 --> 00:24:38,286 That's the worst part about it because after you wipe out, 501 00:24:38,310 --> 00:24:40,506 you're just floating there in that water, 502 00:24:40,530 --> 00:24:43,566 waiting for your friends to circle around and pick you up. 503 00:24:43,590 --> 00:24:45,240 You ever been way out there just? 504 00:24:56,610 --> 00:24:58,310 No, I don't like this at all, no. 505 00:25:12,900 --> 00:25:14,256 This is embarrassing too. 506 00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,506 I found out I scream exactly the same 507 00:25:16,530 --> 00:25:18,610 if a great white is like, gonna attack me 508 00:25:19,470 --> 00:25:21,693 or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 509 00:25:29,010 --> 00:25:30,486 There's a moment I want back right there. 510 00:25:30,510 --> 00:25:32,429 Like, "Get me in the boat!" 511 00:25:32,453 --> 00:25:34,953 "What's the matter?" "Yucky toes! 512 00:25:37,890 --> 00:25:40,177 "Something touched me." 513 00:25:47,134 --> 00:25:48,906 Ladies and gentlemen, 514 00:25:48,930 --> 00:25:51,370 the man you've been waiting for. 515 00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:54,576 Just be honest with people. 516 00:25:54,600 --> 00:25:56,316 If you don't know what you're doing, like in a sport 517 00:25:56,340 --> 00:25:59,106 or you're just starting, be honest. 518 00:25:59,130 --> 00:26:02,706 You know, "Hey, I never went water skiing before and I suck. 519 00:26:02,730 --> 00:26:04,780 Should I go?" "No, no, you shouldn't, no". 520 00:26:05,707 --> 00:26:08,106 "All right, thanks for the honesty. Appreciate it." 521 00:26:08,130 --> 00:26:09,216 Like, I went on vacation once. 522 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:10,693 I met up with a bunch of people and they were like, 523 00:26:10,717 --> 00:26:12,396 "Hey, you wanna go jet skiing tomorrow?" 524 00:26:12,420 --> 00:26:14,106 And I'd never been jet skiing in my life, 525 00:26:14,130 --> 00:26:15,186 and I should have said that. 526 00:26:15,210 --> 00:26:17,577 But I was like, "Yeah, I'll go. I'm good." 527 00:26:20,011 --> 00:26:21,636 They're like, "All right, great. Meet us here tomorrow." 528 00:26:21,660 --> 00:26:23,226 So I meet 'em there the next day. 529 00:26:23,250 --> 00:26:24,963 They all had their own jet skis. 530 00:26:25,800 --> 00:26:27,650 They're like, "Where's your jet ski?" 531 00:26:30,149 --> 00:26:33,117 "Oh, oh, I forgot it, I forgot it. I forgot mine." 532 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:35,706 Now I gotta rent one, which is even worse 533 00:26:35,730 --> 00:26:37,956 'cause you get a piece of garbage when you rent. 534 00:26:37,980 --> 00:26:39,313 And they're all bragging about theirs, right? 535 00:26:39,337 --> 00:26:43,660 "Yeah, it's a Kawasaki KZ-Double-9000 Wave Humper." 536 00:26:44,663 --> 00:26:47,196 Got the Humper, huh? Cool, yeah, I got a... 537 00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:49,623 I got a gray one. I'll be on the gray one. 538 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:53,856 It says "rental" with a big number eight on the back. 539 00:26:53,880 --> 00:26:55,866 I'll be riding the bowling shoe out there. 540 00:26:55,890 --> 00:26:58,266 I'll be on the shoe. 541 00:26:58,290 --> 00:27:00,990 They all take off. They're like. 542 00:27:01,014 --> 00:27:03,019 They're like, gunning. I'm like, "All right!" 543 00:27:13,523 --> 00:27:14,523 She's packed! 544 00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:19,563 You know how embarrassing it is to wipe out going zero? 545 00:27:20,948 --> 00:27:22,173 No, no! 546 00:27:26,172 --> 00:27:29,495 What's up? What's up, yeah. 547 00:27:29,519 --> 00:27:30,427 It's all right. It's all right. 548 00:27:30,451 --> 00:27:32,633 It's a trick, I'm doing a trick. This is cool. 549 00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:39,516 Once my underwear got wet too, 550 00:27:39,540 --> 00:27:41,523 that was it, the day was over for me. 551 00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:46,203 They all had like, professional jet ski bathing suits on. 552 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:47,970 I didn't have that. 553 00:27:47,994 --> 00:27:51,096 I had like, an old pair of cutoff jeans 554 00:27:51,120 --> 00:27:54,903 with like, cheap underwear I bought myself. 555 00:27:55,890 --> 00:27:57,876 I have no idea what I'm doing when I buy underwear. 556 00:27:57,900 --> 00:28:00,932 Hey, look at this. 38 pairs for $1! 557 00:28:00,956 --> 00:28:03,906 Then I take two steps out of my house. 558 00:28:03,930 --> 00:28:05,166 I feel like I have a tangled hammock 559 00:28:05,190 --> 00:28:06,067 between my legs, you know? 560 00:28:06,091 --> 00:28:08,616 Oh. 561 00:28:08,640 --> 00:28:12,456 Oh, wow. Now I know why so many for so little. 562 00:28:12,480 --> 00:28:16,083 It's pretty obvious now. This is not good times. 563 00:28:17,535 --> 00:28:20,256 Mm, this is rough. 564 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:22,263 I have an underwear situation here. 565 00:28:24,030 --> 00:28:26,130 Hate that when you get an underwear thing. 566 00:28:27,210 --> 00:28:28,836 Worse than having your own underwear situation 567 00:28:28,860 --> 00:28:29,670 is watching someone else 568 00:28:29,694 --> 00:28:31,470 deal with their underwear situation. 569 00:28:33,270 --> 00:28:36,456 You ever see a guy try to pick the underwear out of his ass 570 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,483 without using his hands like he's fooling anybody? 571 00:28:40,387 --> 00:28:41,826 "Hey, honey, I think it's over here in Macy's. 572 00:28:41,850 --> 00:28:43,026 I'm not sure. We'll take a look, though. 573 00:28:43,050 --> 00:28:45,575 I, uh..." 574 00:28:58,230 --> 00:29:01,536 Dude, what the hell was that? 575 00:29:01,560 --> 00:29:04,237 What, did you turn into Elvis for a second? What the heck? 576 00:29:04,261 --> 00:29:06,666 What is this move? 577 00:29:06,690 --> 00:29:10,537 You're not fooling anybody with your one-cheek slider outer. 578 00:29:10,561 --> 00:29:12,576 Hey, what's up, man? Everybody walks like this. 579 00:29:12,600 --> 00:29:14,196 Yeah, hey. 580 00:29:14,220 --> 00:29:15,220 Hey, Rob. 581 00:29:16,140 --> 00:29:18,290 How's it going, man? Good to see you, good. 582 00:29:19,197 --> 00:29:21,933 All right, skipping her. Skipping her to the side. 583 00:29:23,601 --> 00:29:25,658 Ladies and gentlemen, 584 00:29:25,682 --> 00:29:28,988 you've been waiting for. 585 00:29:30,435 --> 00:29:32,004 Ladies and gentlemen, 586 00:29:32,028 --> 00:29:34,615 the man you've been waiting for. 587 00:29:37,070 --> 00:29:38,826 It's so hard. Relationships are tough. 588 00:29:38,850 --> 00:29:41,226 It's tough to work it out with two 589 00:29:41,250 --> 00:29:44,076 'cause we're two different animals, we really are. 590 00:29:44,100 --> 00:29:45,096 It's difficult, you know? 591 00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:47,976 And I just feel like sometimes I can't do anything right. 592 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:49,296 You don't know how to, you don't know the moods. 593 00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:50,496 You don't know how to work things 594 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:52,386 and so I just try to survive. 595 00:29:52,410 --> 00:29:54,636 That's all I try to do in a relationship. 596 00:29:54,660 --> 00:29:56,796 Here's a little trick that I learned. 597 00:29:56,820 --> 00:29:58,386 Recalling a little something 598 00:29:58,410 --> 00:30:01,056 that's very unimportant at the moment, 599 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:04,874 at a later date, will do wonders. 600 00:30:04,898 --> 00:30:07,836 Remember one little thing. It'll freak her out, I swear. 601 00:30:07,860 --> 00:30:10,176 Like I had dinner with her at her sister's house, 602 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:11,346 and I remembered one little thing, 603 00:30:11,370 --> 00:30:12,996 and I waited 'cause it was gonna come up sometime 604 00:30:13,020 --> 00:30:13,836 and she brought it up. 605 00:30:13,860 --> 00:30:14,737 She was like, "You know the other day, 606 00:30:14,761 --> 00:30:15,786 you remember last week 607 00:30:15,810 --> 00:30:17,841 when we were having dinner at my sister's house?" 608 00:30:17,865 --> 00:30:19,003 Uh-huh. 609 00:30:19,027 --> 00:30:20,886 "Oh yeah, yeah, when you had the little butterfly clip 610 00:30:20,910 --> 00:30:22,810 in your hair with the sparkles on it?" 611 00:30:30,469 --> 00:30:31,469 "You, 612 00:30:32,212 --> 00:30:34,097 you remembered that?" 613 00:30:35,777 --> 00:30:37,847 "Of course I remember it." 614 00:30:39,673 --> 00:30:41,783 I always remember lovely little nuggets about you 615 00:30:41,807 --> 00:30:45,553 "'cause I..." 616 00:30:47,716 --> 00:30:49,236 You know, my girlfriend's a little off, though. 617 00:30:49,260 --> 00:30:50,436 I don't know. 618 00:30:50,460 --> 00:30:51,966 Yeah, she's a little bit off and I'm thinking... 619 00:30:51,990 --> 00:30:53,946 So, you know, look, hey, I'm, believe me, 620 00:30:53,970 --> 00:30:55,446 I am not the smartest guy in the world 621 00:30:55,470 --> 00:30:57,366 and I don't claim to be by far, 622 00:30:57,390 --> 00:30:58,416 but this was a little weird. 623 00:30:58,440 --> 00:30:59,766 I was on the phone with her and I travel a lot. 624 00:30:59,790 --> 00:31:00,697 You know, I'm here in New York now 625 00:31:00,721 --> 00:31:02,346 and she was in LA, you know, at the time, 626 00:31:02,370 --> 00:31:03,366 And that's where she lives. 627 00:31:03,390 --> 00:31:05,736 And I was on the phone with her 628 00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:07,206 and she was like, "God, I miss you." 629 00:31:07,230 --> 00:31:08,706 And I was like, "Yeah, I know. I miss you too." 630 00:31:08,730 --> 00:31:11,433 She's like, "I wish I could be there with you." 631 00:31:11,457 --> 00:31:12,756 And I was like, "Yeah, believe me. 632 00:31:12,780 --> 00:31:14,016 I wish you could be there with me too." 633 00:31:14,040 --> 00:31:15,846 Then it got like, silent for like a beat. 634 00:31:15,870 --> 00:31:16,680 And I got like, worried. 635 00:31:16,704 --> 00:31:18,944 I was like, "Uh-oh, she's thinking about something here." 636 00:31:21,131 --> 00:31:25,661 "If I only had a magic carpet." 637 00:31:32,291 --> 00:31:34,958 "I'd be there in like two hours." 638 00:31:44,406 --> 00:31:46,323 What? 639 00:31:46,347 --> 00:31:48,867 Did you just say "magic carpet"? 640 00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:53,223 If we're agreeing that she's a magic carpet, 641 00:31:54,150 --> 00:31:55,176 how do you get two hours? 642 00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,650 What, do you got a layover in Dallas? What the... 643 00:31:59,317 --> 00:32:02,147 How do you get two hours with a magic carpet? 644 00:32:04,350 --> 00:32:05,473 Ready for this? 645 00:32:05,497 --> 00:32:08,497 "Well, I don't wanna go too fast. I don't want to fall off." 646 00:32:10,492 --> 00:32:12,513 All righty then. 647 00:32:15,990 --> 00:32:17,676 Can't go to the movies with her. Can not go. 648 00:32:17,700 --> 00:32:18,726 Can't enjoy the movies anymore 649 00:32:18,750 --> 00:32:21,306 'cause she sees every movie that comes out right away 650 00:32:21,330 --> 00:32:22,326 with her friends first. 651 00:32:22,350 --> 00:32:23,976 And if she likes that particular movie, 652 00:32:24,000 --> 00:32:26,046 she wants to see it again with me. 653 00:32:26,070 --> 00:32:26,947 Yeah, she wants to see it. 654 00:32:26,971 --> 00:32:28,306 This is great for every five seconds now. 655 00:32:28,330 --> 00:32:31,748 "Hey, hey, hey. Oh God, watch this part. 656 00:32:31,772 --> 00:32:33,407 Watch this part." 657 00:32:34,890 --> 00:32:37,443 What the hell was I doing? 658 00:32:44,291 --> 00:32:45,936 Hey, look at that. I can make a dog. 659 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:48,633 I got a dog! I got a dog going. 660 00:32:49,860 --> 00:32:53,383 I'm sitting in a chair facing a tremendous screen. 661 00:32:53,407 --> 00:32:54,576 "Hey, watch this part." 662 00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:58,506 Oh, okay. 663 00:32:58,530 --> 00:32:59,803 She got mad at me. She gave me an elbow. 664 00:32:59,827 --> 00:33:04,137 "I mean, really watch!" 665 00:33:16,380 --> 00:33:17,643 I love the movie food. 666 00:33:20,280 --> 00:33:21,876 Popcorn is the food you should have in the movie. 667 00:33:21,900 --> 00:33:24,336 That's the classic movie food, popcorn. 668 00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:25,416 But I only like it in the movies. 669 00:33:25,440 --> 00:33:26,347 I don't like it anywhere else. 670 00:33:26,371 --> 00:33:28,686 I don't like when they stick at like, sports bars, you know? 671 00:33:28,710 --> 00:33:30,516 And they stick it in front of you 672 00:33:30,540 --> 00:33:32,286 and then like dance clubs too. 673 00:33:32,310 --> 00:33:33,696 Then you're munching on that for like 20 minutes. 674 00:33:33,720 --> 00:33:35,466 You see something you like. "Hey, how you doing? 675 00:33:35,490 --> 00:33:38,221 Yeah, just hanging out over here with my buddies and stuff." 676 00:34:05,005 --> 00:34:05,815 That's a pretty look, right? 677 00:34:05,839 --> 00:34:07,356 When you got one those shells spot welded 678 00:34:07,380 --> 00:34:08,930 way on the back of your tongue. 679 00:34:15,570 --> 00:34:17,736 Then we finish up at the movie. I get back in my car. 680 00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:20,196 I go to unlock her door and she lifts the handle 681 00:34:20,220 --> 00:34:23,436 at the exact same time I try to unlock the door 682 00:34:23,460 --> 00:34:25,326 and they offset each other. 683 00:34:25,350 --> 00:34:26,706 Have you been stuck in that little tug of war 684 00:34:26,730 --> 00:34:28,655 for about an hour? 685 00:34:31,470 --> 00:34:34,762 Yeah, give me a sec, hon. 686 00:34:44,820 --> 00:34:46,407 Let go of the damn door! 687 00:34:50,190 --> 00:34:53,883 Sit your ass on the curb! I will come around and let you in! 688 00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:58,993 What the hell goes through her mind? I have no idea. 689 00:34:59,017 --> 00:35:00,003 "Can I get in now? No, how about now?" 690 00:35:00,027 --> 00:35:01,287 No, now? Should I try it now? 691 00:35:01,311 --> 00:35:02,672 No, how about now? No, now? 692 00:35:02,696 --> 00:35:04,109 Can I get in now? No, how about now? 693 00:35:04,133 --> 00:35:05,666 No, can I get in now? How about now? 694 00:35:05,690 --> 00:35:06,876 How about now? Should I try it now? 695 00:35:06,900 --> 00:35:07,710 Can I get in now? How about now? 696 00:35:07,734 --> 00:35:10,413 No, yet, should I try it yet? How about now? 697 00:35:10,437 --> 00:35:11,766 No, can I get in now? No, it's not working. 698 00:35:11,790 --> 00:35:14,166 It's not working. I'm not sitting down yet. 699 00:35:14,190 --> 00:35:15,366 I'm not inside. Hurry up. 700 00:35:15,390 --> 00:35:17,256 It's hot out here. I'm not inside. 701 00:35:17,280 --> 00:35:21,507 "I can't get in. Harder!" 702 00:35:37,380 --> 00:35:38,763 This is good, this is fun. 703 00:35:40,236 --> 00:35:44,133 I got a card from my girlfriend for an anniversary. 704 00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:48,606 We've been dating eight months, though. It's a little weird. 705 00:35:48,630 --> 00:35:50,823 She's starting to spring anniversaries on me, you know? 706 00:35:50,847 --> 00:35:52,183 You walk in the door, you have no clue. 707 00:35:52,207 --> 00:35:53,607 "Do you know what today is?" 708 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,504 Uh... 709 00:35:57,528 --> 00:35:59,946 Um... 710 00:35:59,970 --> 00:36:02,120 I'm gonna say Sunday, but I'm wrong, right? 711 00:36:06,997 --> 00:36:07,957 "Two weeks ago today 712 00:36:07,981 --> 00:36:10,480 was the first time you kissed me at a Jiffy Lube." 713 00:36:11,730 --> 00:36:13,923 I forgot to check my sticker. I apologize. 714 00:36:15,915 --> 00:36:17,556 I don't love cards. 715 00:36:17,580 --> 00:36:20,343 I don't think I speak for most, every man. 716 00:36:22,101 --> 00:36:23,077 Right? 717 00:36:23,101 --> 00:36:24,996 Do you ever get one of those really long romantic cards? 718 00:36:25,020 --> 00:36:28,143 You're like, 719 00:36:30,420 --> 00:36:31,686 this is like homework. 720 00:36:31,710 --> 00:36:35,120 This is... 721 00:36:36,360 --> 00:36:38,466 It's tough, too, 'cause we won't finish 'em. 722 00:36:38,490 --> 00:36:40,626 I'm gonna be honest. We don't finish the cards we get. 723 00:36:40,650 --> 00:36:42,846 We don't read 'em. We don't read 'em. I'll be honest. 724 00:36:42,870 --> 00:36:45,366 And it's hard 'cause when a woman hands you a card, 725 00:36:45,390 --> 00:36:46,326 they stay right there. 726 00:36:46,350 --> 00:36:47,257 They lock on you, right? 727 00:36:47,281 --> 00:36:48,313 They get in like a horse stance like, 728 00:36:48,337 --> 00:36:50,046 "Hey, I wanna see if it hits you emotionally 729 00:36:50,070 --> 00:36:54,246 like it hit me." 730 00:36:54,270 --> 00:36:56,796 Men don't give cards. We don't give cards, all right? 731 00:36:56,820 --> 00:36:58,326 Guy gives a card, it's like he's delivering mail. 732 00:36:58,350 --> 00:37:00,050 All right, here, I got you a card. 733 00:37:02,250 --> 00:37:03,603 Whatever, I don't care. 734 00:37:05,460 --> 00:37:07,326 But we don't read 'em, we don't finish 'em. We don't. 735 00:37:07,350 --> 00:37:09,996 We all do the same thing. We open 'em in front of you. 736 00:37:10,020 --> 00:37:12,507 Right, we put on the fake smile. "Hey." 737 00:37:15,720 --> 00:37:16,866 And we give that little head bob 738 00:37:16,890 --> 00:37:18,366 to let you know we're finished. 739 00:37:18,390 --> 00:37:21,483 All right, yeah. 740 00:37:23,329 --> 00:37:24,187 You think we're reading it. 741 00:37:24,211 --> 00:37:27,678 We're actually going, "One Mississippi, two Mississippi. 742 00:37:27,702 --> 00:37:29,826 Oh, no, no. Yeah." 743 00:37:29,850 --> 00:37:31,626 Men never know when to throw out a card either 744 00:37:31,650 --> 00:37:32,557 'cause if it was up to us, 745 00:37:32,581 --> 00:37:33,919 we'd throw it out pretty much immediately, right? 746 00:37:33,943 --> 00:37:35,643 All right, thank you. 747 00:37:41,827 --> 00:37:42,936 "What are you doing?" I was gonna hang it up. 748 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:45,082 I want to hang it up for you 749 00:37:45,106 --> 00:37:46,536 so I can check it out a little bit. 750 00:37:46,560 --> 00:37:49,986 I like checking it out. 751 00:37:50,010 --> 00:37:51,636 Women love cards though. They love it. 752 00:37:51,660 --> 00:37:52,746 My girlfriend loves it. 753 00:37:52,770 --> 00:37:54,906 God, you ever give your wife or your girlfriend a card 754 00:37:54,930 --> 00:37:56,766 out of the blue, too, they just freak out. 755 00:37:56,790 --> 00:37:58,836 They do. Hey honey, here, I picked up some milk. 756 00:37:58,860 --> 00:38:00,360 And oh yeah, I got you a card. 757 00:38:02,253 --> 00:38:03,253 "Oh!" 758 00:38:03,963 --> 00:38:05,714 Oh! 759 00:38:05,738 --> 00:38:07,932 Oh my God! 760 00:38:07,956 --> 00:38:09,456 You got me a card! 761 00:38:10,538 --> 00:38:12,486 You got me a card. 762 00:38:12,510 --> 00:38:15,246 You got me a card? 763 00:38:15,270 --> 00:38:17,030 Do you have any idea how happy that makes me? 764 00:38:23,040 --> 00:38:25,133 Apparently not. No, I didn't know. 765 00:38:27,000 --> 00:38:28,803 This means you were thinking of me. 766 00:38:30,750 --> 00:38:33,250 How long ago were you planning this? Like a month? 767 00:38:34,740 --> 00:38:36,456 Yes. 768 00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:37,447 Which is another lie, right? 769 00:38:37,471 --> 00:38:40,236 Guys buy cards five minutes before we give them to you. 770 00:38:40,260 --> 00:38:41,713 We fill them out at a stop sign, right? 771 00:38:41,737 --> 00:38:43,457 "Yeah, I love you. Whatever, whatever." 772 00:38:46,560 --> 00:38:49,956 Couple XO's on the bottom, underline a couple words, right? 773 00:38:49,980 --> 00:38:51,336 Then we throw out the little brown bag 774 00:38:51,360 --> 00:38:52,806 and the receipt 'cause that's evidence. 775 00:38:52,830 --> 00:38:54,593 You don't wanna get caught with that. 776 00:38:55,500 --> 00:38:56,310 I've been in the car. 777 00:38:56,334 --> 00:38:57,546 You get back in there with your girlfriend. 778 00:38:57,570 --> 00:38:58,836 Five minutes later, unexpectedly, 779 00:38:58,860 --> 00:39:00,403 you didn't expect her to be there and she finds it. 780 00:39:00,427 --> 00:39:04,356 "You idiot, you bought this card 21 minutes ago! 781 00:39:04,380 --> 00:39:07,107 And you got a Butterfinger first, you fat-ass?" 782 00:39:15,085 --> 00:39:16,146 You know what it is about the card? 783 00:39:16,170 --> 00:39:19,776 They don't represent real life. That's the problem. 784 00:39:19,800 --> 00:39:21,936 These cards you get are ridiculous. 785 00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:26,166 The big sunset with the two deer drinking out of the pond, 786 00:39:26,190 --> 00:39:28,326 creating the ripples of water. 787 00:39:28,350 --> 00:39:29,673 That's not our life. 788 00:39:30,510 --> 00:39:31,956 It should say, "I'm fat, you're fat. 789 00:39:31,980 --> 00:39:33,880 See you in the kitchen in 10 minutes." 790 00:39:38,597 --> 00:39:40,056 Those cards are important to them, though, because, 791 00:39:40,080 --> 00:39:42,666 and more importantly than just getting a card 792 00:39:42,690 --> 00:39:43,776 is getting the right card. 793 00:39:43,800 --> 00:39:46,356 It's gotta be like a mood thing and everything. 794 00:39:46,380 --> 00:39:49,356 It's gotta be the right card for the right moment. 795 00:39:49,380 --> 00:39:53,046 They really put their time and effort into getting cards. 796 00:39:53,070 --> 00:39:55,926 You ever been stuck behind a woman at Hallmark? 797 00:39:55,950 --> 00:39:57,156 When they're shopping for a card, 798 00:39:57,180 --> 00:39:59,477 it's like a chess move to them, right? 799 00:42:55,636 --> 00:42:57,569 Folks, you guys have been a lot of fun. Thanks so much. 800 00:42:57,593 --> 00:42:59,668 All right, appreciate it. 801 00:42:59,692 --> 00:43:00,692 Thank you. 802 00:43:15,578 --> 00:43:19,411 The man you've been waiting for. 803 00:43:35,885 --> 00:43:37,538 All set? 804 00:43:42,642 --> 00:43:44,537 The man you've been waiting for.